There are moments in caregiving that no brochure, support group, or doctor’s appointment prepares you for.
One morning, I woke up to discover my mother-in-law—who was living with Alzheimer’s disease—naked, covered from head to toe in patches of poo, and with little brown footprints leading from the bedroom all the way to the kitchen.
My first thought?
“I’m sorry… I was not built for this.”
But after years of caregiving, training, and teaching thousands of caregivers, I’ve realized something important.
Biologically, we are built for caregiving.
Culturally… not so much.
Dementia Is More Than Memory Loss
Many people believe dementia is simply forgetting names or misplacing the car keys.
If only it were that simple.
Dementia is actually a progressive disease that damages brain cells and disrupts the brain’s ability to plan, reason, make decisions, and complete everyday tasks. As neurons die, so do the brain’s executive functions—the systems responsible for judgment, sequencing, impulse control, and recognizing appropriate behavior.
Eventually, the brain begins relying more on primitive survival instincts.
The focus becomes:
Eat.
Sleep.
Eliminate.
Keep moving.
The brain isn’t trying to embarrass anyone.
It’s simply doing the best it can with the pathways that remain.
The Biology Hasn’t Changed—Our Perspective Has
Here’s something I’ve often thought about.
Baby messes? People laugh. Some take pictures and tell stories for years.
Elder care messes?
Most people freeze, panic, reach for disinfectant, and wonder if they’re failing.
Yet biologically…
It’s the same digestive system.
The same human body.
The same basic functions.
The difference isn’t biology.
It’s culture.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve learned to celebrate dependency in children while feeling uncomfortable with dependency in older adults.
But dementia doesn’t follow our social rules.
It gradually rewinds the brain.
Sensory experiences become more important than logic.
Emotions become stronger than reasoning.
Safety becomes more important than social expectations.
Why Caregivers Feel So Unprepared
When caregivers tell me, “I wasn’t built for this.” I don’t believe that’s really what they’re saying. What they’re actually saying is:
“No one prepared me for this.”
Most of us never learned how to care for someone whose brain is changing.
No one taught us what happens when executive function disappears.
No one explained why bathing becomes frightening, why loved ones wander, or why they may no longer recognize a toilet—or know what to do once they get there.
Instead, caregivers are handed an impossible job and expected to figure it out through trial and error.
No wonder stress levels soar.
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, millions of family caregivers provide billions of hours of unpaid care each year, and many report significant emotional, physical, and financial strain. Chronic caregiver stress has been linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and other health concerns.
You are not weak.
You’re carrying an extraordinary load.
The Human Is Still There
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned as both a caregiver and educator is this:
The disease changes the brain, but it does not erase the person.
Behind every confusing behavior is someone who still needs comfort.
Still needs reassurance, and still deserves dignity.
Even when their brain no longer knows how to ask for it.
That perspective changes everything.
You’re Not Failing—You’re Learning
If you’ve ever:
Cleaned unexpected messes before breakfast…
Googled dementia questions at midnight…
Cried in the laundry room…
Reheated the same cup of coffee three times…
Wondered if you’re doing anything right…
Please hear this:
You were built to love.
You just weren’t trained for dementia.
That’s exactly why I created The Purple Vine—to help caregivers reduce stress, prevent burnout, find practical solutions, and even laugh again on the hard days.
Because caregiving isn’t something anyone should have to figure out alone.
Here’s a Free Gift: 10 Effective Ways to Reduce Stress
Caregiving is demanding, but your well-being matters too.
I’ve created a free guide, “10 Effective Ways to Reduce Stress,” filled with simple, practical techniques you can begin using today—even if you only have five minutes.
Visit ThePurpleVine.com to discover additional articles, caregiver resources, workshops, and encouragement designed specifically for family caregivers.